Here I am in the Raleigh, NC area with a dream to earn my BA. This was one of the main reasons why we left our friends and family in Maine. I started college right out of high school, back when hairstyles were big no matter what sex you were, and before the internet was commonplace. I saw education as more of a ball and chain than something that could strengthen me and give me direction for my life. It was not about self-discovery - education could not make that connection for me. I needed to live and be free from grades, tests, and assignments. With the new year, a new semester of classes has begun. It became clear that I needed to get back to the basics and get some foundational courses on my transcript. This has challenged me in ways I had not imagined. The core classes have brought up memories of failing math and my lack of knowledge with grammar, yet I am facing those fears with each class I attend, each math test I take, and each paper I write.
Fast-forward from the 90's when I began college, to the new millennium. It was 2005 and my life was all about my husband two children (that was before our Lily-girl joined us). I suddenly felt a desire for education tugging inside of me. Except, alongside that desire was utter fear. How could I take classes with high school graduates? Their smarts will expose the stupidity that had been whispering to me since third grade. I registered for classes; two of them. The classes challenged me and also showed me that I was capable. I could do it. I took one more class, then quit. I looked for reasons not to enroll and my husband offered one; he wanted to complete a two year leadership program at our church. Fear won.
That small seed of desire for my BA never died. In fact, it continued to grow until we made the decision to make it our first priority. It required us to set everything aside and follow that desire all the way to NC in 2010. I have taken a few classes since we arrived and I have done well...but as a non-degree student. My dream of earning my BA came to a screeching halt when I couldn't get into the program I wanted at the university I had my heart set on. No college-level math. No English comp. Apparently these are required when you transfer. They aren't classes you can take once you are accepted. I had avoided these required courses like the plague. Give me a sociology class and I'll ace it. But English? Math? No.
I am one of those people who tends to put the cart before the horse, except, I'm not a ball of energy so when I get the energy - I want to go for it right away. My personality is an interesting combination of melancholy (perfectionism, organization, mood-swings, artistic) and phlegmatic (stubborn, laid-back, hard to motivate). It sometimes feels like I have a split personality as I teeter back and forth between my need for perfect and my, "ahhh...who cares that my shirt is stained" thoughts. My desire to finish my education is no exception of the way I sometimes operate. During energetic times, I find myself saying, "Let's get it DONE and NOW" and then when I'm tired, I utter, "Does my BA really matter?"
Just before Christmas, it was time to register for English Composition and Algebra. I could feel my heart racing as the first day of classes approached. The English course is online, and my math is in the classroom. My experiences as I've walked through this math class deserves it's own post - so I will hold off in sharing those for now. However, one of my first assignments in English was to read a bunch of essays and then answer response questions. The first essay was entitled, "Freewriting" by Peter Elbow. Mr. Elbow is a highly educated man, and by some, is considered to have revolutionized how writing is taught. In one particular excerpt, he is explaining how important freewriting is to a writer. His idea is that we should just start writing whatever comes to mind and not stop. We should tune out our internal editor that wants to constantly delete words while we are in the process of writing and creating. He insists that if we do not tune out the editor, we will never find our voice as a writer because we never fully tap into our creativity. And if we never actually work to find our voice, it may become lost. As I read, I became teary eyed. At one point, I wanted to sit and sob. His words resonated inside of me, not just as a writer, but also the way I live my life. I edit myself constantly and I question whether or not my voice exists. That's part of my hope as I write this blog; to find my voice. Here, in an English assignment, this stranger's words shed a spotlight onto what was going on inside of me. It's almost as though I received permission to speak and to be comfortable with myself.
This journey is not a sprint, but a marathon. It's not even a 5k; it's more like an Iron Man Triathlon. Those are the kinds of races that feel as though they will never end, and that's my life at this moment. I am not just a 40 year old woman earning her degree. It's so much more than that. I get small revelations here and there, and this was one of the many gems that I will hold close as I take each step closer to fulfilling my dream. My voice, the voice God gave me, is slowly emerging and I will hold onto the hope that one day I will walk confidently in it.
