I went into my first stats test confident that I knew the material (I did). I had worked through the test prep that was given to the class, several times. I was not nervous, nor did I feel like I should be. I was ready. The test itself was quite different from the prep material, and although it was a lot more challenging, I still felt good about it. That's until I saw my posted grade a few days later...83. My initial reaction was to cry. Then I got angry. Then I kept bouncing back-and-forth between the two. I don't know of a worse feeling than when I've put incredible amounts of effort into my studies and then my grade doesn't reflect it. No amount of crying (or swearing) is going to change my score.
But this is where I have made a connection to this growth process I am in...my grades have become my identity. I have put my worth in a grade book, in an A, a B, a C, or an F. Am I the sum of my grades? Am I valuable even when the most I can achieve is a D?
My husband reminds me quite often, during those times (multiple times a week) when I want to throw my books in a fire, log off of Blackboard, e-mail my professors and scream, "I QUIT", that this is more about the process than anything. It's not about my individual assignments, tests, or homework. It's about the big picture. That's pretty hard to keep in focus when I have a syllabus that says my tests are worth twenty percent of my grade. GRADE!!!!
Oh how I wish there was a school out there where you learn what interests you, there are no tests to be anxious about, just learning the things that pertain to your passion, and grades aren't the focus, just the learning process.
In the meantime, I must succumb to this system if I want my degree. I don't quite know how to detach from the elation of an A and the anger of a C. It's going to be a LONG few years if I don't wrap my brain around it soon. And a lot of ulcers too.
