How to be a Good Dance Mom

I must admit, I found the first couple of seasons of the reality show 'Dance Moms' to be somewhat entertaining. A militant dance studio owner who holds the fate of a handful of very talented girls and their moms who behave badly behind the scenes. These women actively engage in the politics behind their daughter's activity of choice - dance. If the mothers don't get their way, the gossip and maneuvering ensues, and it's all supposedly done with their child's best interest in mind. It made me thankful that my daughter's experience with dance looked nothing like this show.

Shortly before I watched an episode of this mayhem, my daughter was invited to compete on a dance team and we happily accepted the offer. The studio was close to our home and we knew it would allow her to dance at a higher level without a huge commitment and extraordinary expense. We could also see how kind and passionate the studio owner was without the extreme expectations of dancers and their families. It was a perfect fit and continues to be.

Now that my daughter has been in the world of competitive dance for two years, I've had time to make some important observations. There are things that I have learned and continue to remind myself in order to NOT turn into one of those moms on TV. Here is what I've concluded so far:

1. This isn't about me. 

As much as I would love to be on that stage performing or wish I could go back and have the opportunities my daughter has, I cannot. This time is for my child and for her to take dance as far as she can, for as long as she wants to.

2. Instructors are there to teach.

I cringe when I hear mothers correct their children after a dance performance or practice. I need to trust my daughter's teachers to care enough to correct her when her technique is off. They wouldn't be instructing for competition teams if they were content with sloppy dancing. Besides, they get paid to instruct.

3. My daughter's ability does not reflect my parenting.

This is a tough realization and one that is pervasive among parents whether in a studio or on a ball field. If my child excels it doesn't mean I deserve a medal. Likewise, if my daughter comes in dead last it doesn't mean I have failed. My daughter will experience successes and failures just like every other human being in the world, and I cannot use those to prove my worth or lack as a parent.

4. My child will glean from experience even if she isn't standing in the center.

One of my winter weekends was spent at the studio watching my daughter learn choreography for one of her teams. As I sat watching the dancers learn the new movements, I overheard two mothers discussing how annoyed they were about one particular girl who was always chosen to be a central focus for the routines. I believe that my children will get just as much from situations regardless of where they stand. They don't need to be in the spotlight to gain confidence and ability.

5. Character is more important than skill.

Those dressing areas at competitions stress me out. I've often wondered how many bobby pins cross the threshold of these rooms during competition weekends. It's amazing to watch mothers take territorial position over a ten square foot area. That space is coveted for sure. What frustrates me more however, is the way many dancers behave. Their lack of patience as they have to move quickly from the dressing area to the stage on a continuous basis is maddening. I had a young girl walk right in front of me as I was washing my hands in a bathroom. Apparently she saw her needs to be ahead of mine. These children aren't celebrities and mothers are not their handlers. Respect for others is more important than dancing in a competition.

Activities for children can be a wonderful thing. They can gain skills, they can learn the importance of working on a team, and that hard work and effort can pay off. I believe I am the one who will make or break how good these experiences can be for my children. If I choose to behave badly and don't make the conscious decisions to carefully walk through this phase of parenting, my children will miss out on some amazing life lessons. Instead they will emulate my behavior and not see the value in the opportunities they've been given. Who they become is far greater of an achievement than what they do. As a mom of a dancer, baseball and softball players, I will choose my actions wisely no matter what happens on any stage or field.