Milestones

One thing that I have found challenging and refreshing at the same time has been celebrating holidays and milestones here in NC away from family and friends. This week, we hit two pretty big ones - we celebrated our one year anniversary of living in the south AND I turned 40 today.

We had a wonderful day with friends on a trip to the NC Museum of Art and a spontaneous visit to a cupcake bakery. It was PERFECT! We started our visit to the museum looking at one of the art world's most well-known piece..."The Thinker." It's a ginormous statue and it's placed outside of the building near the entrance. I stood there looking at it with my children and new friends and realized that this art portrays the current season of our lives, with more thinking, praying, listening, and pondering than I have done in my entire life.

I'm so excited and hopeful for what is to come. I just know the fruit will be glorious!

The Thinker at NC Museum of Art

Destination: Boot camp

In five days, we will celebrate our one year anniversary of moving to our little spot of the world in North Carolina. Prior to moving, my proclamation to the Lord was, "Here am I, send me!" I had plans and I believed those plans were stepping stones that would allow me to fulfill what God placed me on this earth to do. Shortly after arriving in NC, I realized that this adventure would be the start of boot camp. This training would tap into all areas of my life - the physical, mental, and spiritual.

Not only am I on this new and unplanned route, but my husband has also been called to the same life filled with change. This is one of those areas you could look at and see the positive and negative. At least we have had each other as we are stripped down from every angle, yet there seems to be even THAT much more pain in this process because as a married couple we take on each others burdens. Sometimes it feels like the agony never ends.

I never understood the decision to enter the military. I could never get past the thought of having to go to boot camp and willingly place myself into an environment where I would be pushed to my mental and physical limits. I guess I viewed myself as too weak to survive something like that. As a teenager and young adult, I watched a few acquaintances go off to Parris Island for several weeks and upon their return, they were always thinner than when they left. None of them ever talked about the process they endured but I sensed they had developed a deeper commitment to the military and to their country.

Our plans and what we thought we would get out of taking this ginormous risk to move were fairly straight-forward. I would go back to school to finish my undergrad degree for social work. Our three children would be safely part of an excellent school system (on paper it looks great), and my husband would reenter Corporate America for a short period of time so that we could shore up financially. At the end of about five years, we would be ready to launch in whatever direction God wanted us in.

Instead of our plans unfolding, they have unraveled. We realized the school system ran on legalism - devouring children's tender hearts, my application to the university I felt I had carefully chosen was rejected, and my husband's job has been filled with constant obstacles. Saying that many tears have been shed is putting it mildly. We are grieving. We are asking God for wisdom. And we are hopeful. We continue to remember how He sold our house in Maine in only a few days amidst a horrid real estate market. We see His hand here moving in ways relationally that we had not expected. He is lovingly correcting us. He is opening our eyes and hearts to things that were not on our radar. We are in boot camp. Unforeseen, unintentional, and sometimes undesirable boot camp.

This story does not have an ending - it is still in process. Right now, I am living one chapter of my story. I trust that whatever He has for the remainder of it, He will be right there while it unfolds. In my prayers, I cry out for Him not to drop me. It is also my hope for the end of boot camp that I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit and that I come out with a deeper commitment than ever before.

Homesickness

It comes in waves for me. When we originally moved here, I found myself crying nearly everyday. I would quietly leave the room if it hit with my kids nearby. The last thing I wanted was for them to see my constant homesickness and have that generate an insecurity in them that this new home would not be a happy place for us. I particularly remember walking through the local Walmart during those initial weeks. The kids were with me as I navigated this store with a whole different layout than the one I shopped at in Maine. The tears came quickly and there was no place to retreat so I pretended to be back in my home town shopping at that familiar store. It brought a total fictitious comfort that I needed to make it back to my new neighborhood. I longed to see someone I knew while I went to the grocery store. I desperately wanted to see familiar streets and stores, and go where things seemed much more natural.

Over the summer of 2010, our family ventured out, met some new and amazing people, and began to feel as though this area was home for us.  My homesickness waned as I made friends and I began to navigate within my new community. A small level of comfort formed inside of me and I started to get a sense of belonging.


For the first time I have realized that homesickness is not a one-shot deal. This illness is more like a disease that goes into remission and returns when least expected. I've begun to notice a pattern of when it is likely to make an appearance. Typically, it hits when life doesn't go according to my plan and my response to this curve ball is fear. I want to run...FAST back to New England. I try to convince myself that things were better there. They were easier. They were SAFER. Reality is - none of that is true. New England, for me, provided a false sense of security. It has been through our move that I've removed the harness and felt that free fall.



It is during these times of turmoil and uncertainty that I know God wants me to rely on Him. When I want to run, when I want to escape, when I want to go back to what feels comfortable, I'm denying God the access to comfort me perfectly. I'm saying, "I got this, God, cause quite frankly, I don't trust You."


I am not sure there is a cure for homesickness. I know that I will continue to yearn for the days when my family members and dear friends are close and I can hug them with all I have. Until then, I will continue walking through this sometimes scary, exciting, joyful, and amazing journey that God has me on and believe it will be totally worth it in the end.

What's In a Name?

My daughter informed us recently during a dinner conversation that she will be changing her name as soon as she legally can. Apparently, Brooke is a much better name, or so she thinks. It's amazing how much time and effort Kevin and I spent to name our children. This energy is clearly lost on her.

I have wanted to blog for many years now. I actually started a blog several years ago, gave it an awful name and never used it. Before I decided to give blogging another try, it was important to me to figure out what its purpose would be, if I had anything of value to add to what everyone else was blogging about, and to come up with a relevant name. 

I'm currently wearing several hats (some fit well, others need stretching to get on this head of mine). Mother of three elementary-aged children, wife of thirteen-plus years, student - finally getting my undergrad after walking away in my late teens from utter frustration, a new resident of the NC area after living the majority of my life in New England, and of course a daughter, sister, and friend. 

This chapter in my life, and in my family's life has been filled with so much emotion. It's an experience like NONE other! We left the comfort of New England one year ago this month. Maine - the place where I grew up, had deep family roots, and treasured friends. While it was comfortable, it started to feel TOO comfortable. We grew to a place of wanting to take a risk. I am definitely not a risk-taker - my husband is the risk-taker. Oddly enough, we were both feeling the urge to move out of our comfort zone. 

Our story about the move is an amazing one where God met us, held out His hand, and paved the way for us to explore new and remarkable things. It has not been easy. When I describe it as "paved" I do not mean without flaws. There have been many challenges - but the Lord has used those challenges to show us something. Maybe it is something internal, or possibly something He wants to highlight within our community. Nevertheless, He is opening my eyes beyond what I have experienced in my years on this earth. 

But as I am on this adventure, there are times when I feel as though I'm at the peak of one of those crazy theme park rides. I can see how high I am. I can see the danger in what I'm doing, and desperately want to get off, and yet I don't at the same time. I want to move closer to the Lord who made me and rely on His perfect and loving hand even more. The hand that will love me no matter what happens around me.


I have to say, I am not a fan of rap music. Never really have been, actually. Recently I was listening to a new album that featured a rap artist, Lecrae. I'm hearing his rap, understanding every third or forth word, when at the end he says, "Don't drop me!" Instantly, I gasped. I knew exactly what Lecrae was talking about. I was brought back to childhood when my dad would pick me up during a time of play. I would yell out to my dad, "Don't drop me!" It screams of the trust I had placed in him. I was high in the air in a place I would normally not be in, fearful of what could happen, and I'm begging my father not to forget my vulnerability. That is the same with our relationship to our Heavenly Father. If we let Him, He holds us in new places, scary places and we are secure in His arms. He won't drop us.

Those three words perfectly describe where I am at in life. In fact, I'm realizing that I should remain in this place forever. If I'm not risking, then how much am I trusting in Him who leads me to new places?  If I work hard to take care of my own needs, why do I need God?


So...this is my journey to trust the Lord in all that I do. I want to chronicle my adventures so that I can look back and see how far I have come. At the same time, why not share this insight along the way with others? My hope is that it will bring comfort to those who read.