Homesickness

It comes in waves for me. When we originally moved here, I found myself crying nearly everyday. I would quietly leave the room if it hit with my kids nearby. The last thing I wanted was for them to see my constant homesickness and have that generate an insecurity in them that this new home would not be a happy place for us. I particularly remember walking through the local Walmart during those initial weeks. The kids were with me as I navigated this store with a whole different layout than the one I shopped at in Maine. The tears came quickly and there was no place to retreat so I pretended to be back in my home town shopping at that familiar store. It brought a total fictitious comfort that I needed to make it back to my new neighborhood. I longed to see someone I knew while I went to the grocery store. I desperately wanted to see familiar streets and stores, and go where things seemed much more natural.

Over the summer of 2010, our family ventured out, met some new and amazing people, and began to feel as though this area was home for us.  My homesickness waned as I made friends and I began to navigate within my new community. A small level of comfort formed inside of me and I started to get a sense of belonging.


For the first time I have realized that homesickness is not a one-shot deal. This illness is more like a disease that goes into remission and returns when least expected. I've begun to notice a pattern of when it is likely to make an appearance. Typically, it hits when life doesn't go according to my plan and my response to this curve ball is fear. I want to run...FAST back to New England. I try to convince myself that things were better there. They were easier. They were SAFER. Reality is - none of that is true. New England, for me, provided a false sense of security. It has been through our move that I've removed the harness and felt that free fall.



It is during these times of turmoil and uncertainty that I know God wants me to rely on Him. When I want to run, when I want to escape, when I want to go back to what feels comfortable, I'm denying God the access to comfort me perfectly. I'm saying, "I got this, God, cause quite frankly, I don't trust You."


I am not sure there is a cure for homesickness. I know that I will continue to yearn for the days when my family members and dear friends are close and I can hug them with all I have. Until then, I will continue walking through this sometimes scary, exciting, joyful, and amazing journey that God has me on and believe it will be totally worth it in the end.