Writing is a struggle for me these days. Actually, it has been for the past few months. I could blame it on a LOT of different things and in reality, they probably have combined and created a perfect storm of confusion in my head. But I feel the need to sort through each of them and get to the root of what makes me do what I do - good and bad.
We began our summer with a trip back to Maine - our first since moving to the south. I drove with the three kids. Me. Just me. Making that drive without another adult was haunting me for months before the bags were packed and the minivan rolled out of the driveway. Long distance driving is just not my thing. Highways are not my friend. Some people love it and I am not one of them. After about the fifth hour I realized it's not just the highways that I take issue with - it's the other cars on the road. The kids and I ended up sharing some fun memories. With each state we entered, my oldest child would take out his book on the states and read when it was founded, the state bird, flower, etc. By the time we finished the first leg of the trip and nearly twelve hours of travel, we were all giving each other high fives. It truly was an accomplishment for us.
Our three and a half weeks away from the south was pretty incredible. There were sweet moments of reconnecting with dear friends and many fun times created while being able to love our family. There were also moments of feeling like we were getting blindsided with, well...let's just say not so wonderful happenings. Life as we have known it for the past year followed us to the lovely north east. Thankfully, we had some amazing family and friendships walking alongside us. We definitely needed them at that point more than ever.
One of the things I aim to accomplish in this season of my life is to find my voice. In fact, that is a key part of my blogging. And yet here I am, struggling to find words to express exactly what is going on inside of me. For many years, whenever I have felt overwhelmed with life, the words just stop. I'm challenged to find any way to describe or express how I feel. When I had a miscarriage before my first child was born - I struggled to put words to how I was feeling. Instead of speaking, I internalized. It was easier to avoid facing the challenge that comes with digging deep and persevering until the words came. Many times, I borrowed other people's feelings. They expressed their emotions and feelings and since I connected with them, I used them as my own.
It seems as though nowadays EVERYONE has an opinion about practically EVERYTHING, from how we speak all the way to how many children we should conceive. Each day we are hit with suggestion and opinion through the various forms of media; television, social media, radio - it's hard to escape. All of it is noise to me and it can be deafening. I just don't want to be another voice and add to the chaos. Not only that but I feel pressure to go along with the opinions and suggestions in order to please others and fit in.
Maybe finding my voice will be a slow process. Maybe the way of gaining it will be to keep trying to use what I do have and stay focused on being who I am meant to be and not who others assume I am. It may be a quiet voice that I possess, and it may come out a little shaky, but it's a voice nonetheless. My hope is that one day it will grow in confidence and strength.
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