What a great day to reflect on perfectionism and post this - the day after Christmas, when we've spent hours upon hours contemplating, buying, wrapping, and giving gifts, having parties, and tried to attain covers of Better Homes and Gardens, Real Simple magazine, or any episode of Martha Stewart during the holiday season.
My youngest daughter just started kindergarten. She's been writing letters for a while now but kindergarten nowadays is a bit hard core. Apparently she will be reading and writing by the end of this year. **Where has kindergarten gone and why is it a race to teach our children? That's a whole other post!** It's neat to see my baby master the alphabet, except she has this desire to get it right. Actually, she must get each letter written perfectly. If it isn't perfect, she pulls out an eraser and feverishly gets rid of the work she has done, and tries it again. Of course she doesn't see that her erasing makes a big mess on the counter and all over the floor.
Last night as I watched her erasing the hearts and letters that she drew, I realized something about the perfectionism inside of me. First, I don't think there's such a thing as perfect. My perfect may look completely different than another person's perfect - so how can PERFECT exist if there's such a varying ideal? Second, striving for and expecting perfection removes the learning process. I don't want to make mistakes, yet it is through making mistakes that I learn. I recently began working at a nation-wide craft store. Their training has been pretty slack and more along the lines of, "Here's a register - figure it out!" In that environment you cannot help but make a TON of mistakes and learn not to do it again. I am learning this kind of mindset takes a lot of courage. Having a willingness to fail in front of people is not easy or one I tend to welcome. Third, trying to attain perfection is exhausting and frustrating. It requires so much energy that I'm tired and miserable, and in turn I'm making the people around me miserable.
As I look back on my life I realize I haven't always been this way. There really was a time when I would show up late for work, or totally disregard my responsibilities, or not care at all about my education. When did this all change in me? After I married a man who liked the house in pristine order? After realizing my carelessness in school twenty years ago could hold me back from finishing my degree as an adult? Or after having children and understanding the magnitude of responsibility that comes with raising human beings? Maybe.
So here are the areas in my life that I go nuts trying to attain perfection:
My children and the way I parent, the decorating of my home, my work as a student, how I drive, spend our money, cook meals, entertain guests, how I speak, how I write, dress, how I exercise, maintain my weight, having that ridiculously early quiet time with God, my prayers, and even my relationship with Him.
I am exhausted just typing that list. It also puts into perspective that most of my desires for perfection are rooted in approval from people. My need for perfection in parenting isn't that I'm looking for a compliment, it's the dreaded judgement of my parenting that I fear by the people around me. I have been that mom in Walmart with a screaming, tantruming child. Particularly the one at the register after not agreeing to buy a piece of candy or pack of gum. In those kinds of moments, many thoughts kick in for me. It's typically a back and forth between how I should handle my child and what the people around me are thinking. One thought typically feeds into my response and then another thought will shoot into my head - and so the cycle goes.
That is not where my heart and mind should be. Not too long ago, I was talking to a good friend whom I highly respect as a woman, wife, and mother. I asked her how she has raised three really wonderful boys. Her response will probably stay with me forever. She said something like, "If we try SO hard to be perfect parents, how then will our children see their need for the Lord?" This kind of thinking does not eliminate our striving to be the parents God desires us to be. It doesn't give me permission to be a lousy parent and leave it up to God to fix it. What it does do is allow the Lord to work in their lives, recognizes free will that we all have, and that God's power is greater than my own flesh and influence in the lives of my children. What He offers is much better and it is mine and my husband's job to bring our children right to the Author of it all.
Perfection only resides in the Lord. Period. I can spin my wheels and exhaust myself looking for the approval of the people around me - or I can walk in who God made me to be, listen to His voice and respond to it. This lesson is a constant in my life. A learning that I need to be reminded of over and over again. Hopefully one day the pressure for perfection will cease and I can use that energy for something MUCH more productive!
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