Recipe for Life?

I love to cook - sometimes. I tend to go through spurts where I am eager to find new recipes to try. Most of the time, though, I go to my trusted meals that don't require me to measure ingredients or put much thought into what I'm cooking. Regardless of how much effort I put in, there is still a process I need to follow or the meal will be inedible. I will burn it, under-cook it, or the seasonings will be off and I will hear something like, "Ewww...this is gross!" from my five year old.

The boot camp life my husband and I have been in for this season of our lives has taken us down some painful and unexpected roads, particularly over the last several months. Shortly after our kids' school let out in the spring, I took them back to Maine for our first visit since heading to the south. I think in some ways, I was hoping to escape "boot camp" even if just for a little while. A reprieve would have been nice. Due to my husband's work schedule, we had to leave him behind knowing we would meet up with him after two weeks when he would join us for the last leg of the trip. Three days after we left NC, I got the call that I have been anticipating for a while - my husband had lost his job. That news turned our trip from vacation back into a time of crisis for us.

Many people in the United States are experiencing unemployment. We are not the only ones who know what it's like to wonder how bills will be paid, how we will buy groceries, and even whether or not we will need to relocate. It's a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have found myself in phases where I rely solely on God. Then that gets cut short by my mind wandering around and wondering how this will play out for us as a family. I often get wrapped up in analysis mode of our decisions and whether we made the right ones. Were all of these happenings a result of selfishness? Had we fallen out of God's will by our resolve to leave Maine and move where we had no safety nets? I have stayed in that place for a time and then would go back around to the truth that if God cares for the birds of the air, He cares so much more for me.

Last year during one of my endless trips through the carpool lane at my children's school, I heard a radio show where a woman spoke about how we often think that life is like a recipe. We add a little of this, a lot of that, stir it, bake it, and pop it out of the pan - and voila, we can expect a good result. It will taste great and the people around us will love it and admire us for it. But from what I know about God, I cannot imagine He operates that way. He isn't about following a set of rules and everything will be wonderful. What would the need be for us to seek Him? 

In a lot of ways, I'm tired of thinking, talking, or even analyzing this boot camp thing. After just typing that I wondered what annoys me about it. I think maybe because that season is winding down. We are moving out of that time of heavy-duty refining. Now I desperately want to see what will come now that we are stronger and see life in a much different way.

While I haven't been writing a lot, I have been busy. My husband and I decided our son, who was entering sixth grade needed a bit of time decompressing from the pressures of public school. I am a homeschooling mom and a public school mom. I am also thankful to report that my husband's unemployment did not last very long - he loves his new job! Classes for me start back up in a week and I could not be more excited! Stay tuned for details in this area...God has been so faithful as He orchestrates each instrument, note, and the players in my life.

Obviously God's goodness and love is not conditional. Sometimes He turns up the heat even when we are obedient and in His will. We cannot control God with our recipes. It's funny to think that I've even tried. But it is incredible to see how perfectly every event ties into the symphony of our lives and those reminders of how His ways are always greater and beyond our comprehension.

Perfectionsim is KILLING me!!!

What a great day to reflect on perfectionism and post this - the day after Christmas, when we've spent hours upon hours contemplating, buying, wrapping, and giving gifts, having parties, and tried to attain covers of Better Homes and Gardens, Real Simple magazine, or any episode of Martha Stewart during the holiday season.

My youngest daughter just started kindergarten. She's been writing letters for a while now but kindergarten nowadays is a bit hard core. Apparently she will be reading and writing by the end of this year. **Where has kindergarten gone and why is it a race to teach our children? That's a whole other post!** It's neat to see my baby master the alphabet, except she has this desire to get it right. Actually, she must get each letter written perfectly. If it isn't perfect, she pulls out an eraser and feverishly gets rid of the work she has done, and tries it again. Of course she doesn't see that her erasing makes a big mess on the counter and all over the floor.

Last night as I watched her erasing the hearts and letters that she drew, I realized something about the perfectionism inside of me. First, I don't think there's such a thing as perfect. My perfect may look completely different than another person's perfect - so how can PERFECT exist if there's such a varying ideal? Second, striving for and expecting perfection removes the learning process. I don't want to make mistakes, yet it is through making mistakes that I learn. I recently began working at a nation-wide craft store. Their training has been pretty slack and more along the lines of, "Here's a register - figure it out!" In that environment you cannot help but make a TON of mistakes and learn not to do it again. I am learning this kind of mindset takes a lot of courage. Having a willingness to fail in front of people is not easy or one I tend to welcome. Third, trying to attain perfection is exhausting and frustrating. It requires so much energy that I'm tired and miserable, and in turn I'm making the people around me miserable.

As I look back on my life I realize I haven't always been this way. There really was a time when I would show up late for work, or totally disregard my responsibilities, or not care at all about my education. When did this all change in me? After I married a man who liked the house in pristine order? After realizing my carelessness in school twenty years ago could hold me back from finishing my degree as an adult? Or after having children and understanding the magnitude of responsibility that comes with raising human beings? Maybe.

So here are the areas in my life that I go nuts trying to attain perfection:

My children and the way I parent, the decorating of my home, my work as a student, how I drive, spend our money, cook meals, entertain guests, how I speak, how I write, dress, how I exercise, maintain my weight, having that ridiculously early quiet time with God, my prayers, and even my relationship with Him.

I am exhausted just typing that list. It also puts into perspective that most of my desires for perfection are rooted in approval from people. My need for perfection in parenting isn't that I'm looking for a compliment, it's the dreaded judgement of my parenting that I fear by the people around me. I have been that mom in Walmart with a screaming, tantruming child. Particularly the one at the register after not agreeing to buy a piece of candy or pack of gum. In those kinds of moments, many thoughts kick in for me. It's typically a back and forth between how I should handle my child and what the people around me are thinking. One thought typically feeds into my response and then another thought will shoot into my head - and so the cycle goes.

That is not where my heart and mind should be. Not too long ago, I was talking to a good friend whom I highly respect as a woman, wife, and mother. I asked her how she has raised three really wonderful boys. Her response will probably stay with me forever. She said something like, "If we try SO hard to be perfect parents, how then will our children see their need for the Lord?" This kind of thinking does not eliminate our striving to be the parents God desires us to be. It doesn't give me permission to be a lousy parent and leave it up to God to fix it. What it does do is allow the Lord to work in their lives, recognizes free will that we all have, and that God's power is greater than my own flesh and influence in the lives of my children. What He offers is much better and it is mine and my husband's job to bring our children right to the Author of it all.

Perfection only resides in the Lord. Period. I can spin my wheels and exhaust myself looking for the approval of the people around me - or I can walk in who God made me to be, listen to His voice and respond to it. This lesson is a constant in my life. A learning that I need to be reminded of over and over again. Hopefully one day the pressure for perfection will cease and I can use that energy for something MUCH more productive!