Math: My Love/Hate Relationship

Numbers have been my enemy. I could not escape them no matter how hard I tried. Actually, I used to love math in elementary school. And then I hit junior high. That was when my 30 year hatred for it began. Mixing letters with numbers (algebra) made no sense to me. Letters can be added and multiplied and divided? No.

With my aversion came falling grades. I was frustrated and had no interest in mastering what I began to despise. When I got to high school, it was as if someone was orchestrating my demise in the subject. My geometry teacher was fired half-way through the school year after allowing the class to steal her authority, and my algebra teacher sounded as if he came straight from a Charlie Brown special with his monotone voice and his lack of personality. At the end of junior year, a bomb hit - I failed. I couldn't do extra work or fix this F. I had to accept it and retake the class with the Charlie Brown teacher.

My math tools that are always close by

It was that F that solidified my failure status and I walked through the next 20-something years with it written all over me. It impacted how I lived; I was convinced I would fail at everything, so why even try? Relationships, my education, my health and fitness. There were times when I would muster up the courage to overcome those failure thoughts, but for the most part, they always won. My fear of math was solid and I had convinced myself that I was no good at it or anything else. Convinced!

After two miserable years of taking classes at a college and local university straight out of high school, I figured my continued failure was the nail in my educational casket. Over the past seven or eight years, a fire has been ignited to finish what I started and get my BA. But how could I do it without taking math? I tried every way I could think to skirt that obstacle, but it was impossible. Finally, after a few months of home schooling my son and teaching him 6th grade math, I mustered the courage to take a math placement test and begin my math requirements. That test was scarier to me than birthing my children. I had so much anxiety, I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

It's only been six and a half months since that test and I am getting close to finishing my second math class. I have gone beyond what I thought was possible. I figured if I achieved C's, I would be content. Apparently I am very good at math. I earned nearly a 100 average in my first class, and I am on track to do the same in my second class.

Here is what my math relationship has taught me: For every fear I have, whether legit or just perceived, I must face them. I had given my fear the power to change my life and with it, permission for me to fall short of who I can become. However, as I have looked fear in the eye, I have seen that it is weak, fear has no right to my life, and I am designed to overcome.

I am amazed at how much confidence is in me just from taking math. While I do not love math and have often said, "If math was a person, I'd punch it" my certainty is a beautiful byproduct that I had never anticipated.