I love to cook - sometimes. I tend to go through spurts where I am eager to find new recipes to try. Most of the time, though, I go to my trusted meals that don't require me to measure ingredients or put much thought into what I'm cooking. Regardless of how much effort I put in, there is still a process I need to follow or the meal will be inedible. I will burn it, under-cook it, or the seasonings will be off and I will hear something like, "Ewww...this is gross!" from my five year old.
The boot camp life my husband and I have been in for this season of our lives has taken us down some painful and unexpected roads, particularly over the last several months. Shortly after our kids' school let out in the spring, I took them back to Maine for our first visit since heading to the south. I think in some ways, I was hoping to escape "boot camp" even if just for a little while. A reprieve would have been nice. Due to my husband's work schedule, we had to leave him behind knowing we would meet up with him after two weeks when he would join us for the last leg of the trip. Three days after we left NC, I got the call that I have been anticipating for a while - my husband had lost his job. That news turned our trip from vacation back into a time of crisis for us.
Many people in the United States are experiencing unemployment. We are not the only ones who know what it's like to wonder how bills will be paid, how we will buy groceries, and even whether or not we will need to relocate. It's a roller coaster ride to say the least. I have found myself in phases where I rely solely on God. Then that gets cut short by my mind wandering around and wondering how this will play out for us as a family. I often get wrapped up in analysis mode of our decisions and whether we made the right ones. Were all of these happenings a result of selfishness? Had we fallen out of God's will by our resolve to leave Maine and move where we had no safety nets? I have stayed in that place for a time and then would go back around to the truth that if God cares for the birds of the air, He cares so much more for me.
Last year during one of my endless trips through the carpool lane at my children's school, I heard a radio show where a woman spoke about how we often think that life is like a recipe. We add a little of this, a lot of that, stir it, bake it, and pop it out of the pan - and voila, we can expect a good result. It will taste great and the people around us will love it and admire us for it. But from what I know about God, I cannot imagine He operates that way. He isn't about following a set of rules and everything will be wonderful. What would the need be for us to seek Him?
In a lot of ways, I'm tired of thinking, talking, or even analyzing this boot camp thing. After just typing that I wondered what annoys me about it. I think maybe because that season is winding down. We are moving out of that time of heavy-duty refining. Now I desperately want to see what will come now that we are stronger and see life in a much different way.
While I haven't been writing a lot, I have been busy. My husband and I decided our son, who was entering sixth grade needed a bit of time decompressing from the pressures of public school. I am a homeschooling mom and a public school mom. I am also thankful to report that my husband's unemployment did not last very long - he loves his new job! Classes for me start back up in a week and I could not be more excited! Stay tuned for details in this area...God has been so faithful as He orchestrates each instrument, note, and the players in my life.
Obviously God's goodness and love is not conditional. Sometimes He turns up the heat even when we are obedient and in His will. We cannot control God with our recipes. It's funny to think that I've even tried. But it is incredible to see how perfectly every event ties into the symphony of our lives and those reminders of how His ways are always greater and beyond our comprehension.
My Family
The people I share my life with
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Perfectionsim is KILLING me!!!
What a great day to reflect on perfectionism and post this - the day after Christmas, when we've spent hours upon hours contemplating, buying, wrapping, and giving gifts, having parties, and tried to attain covers of Better Homes and Gardens, Real Simple magazine, or any episode of Martha Stewart during the holiday season.
My youngest daughter just started kindergarten. She's been writing letters for a while now but kindergarten nowadays is a bit hard core. Apparently she will be reading and writing by the end of this year. **Where has kindergarten gone and why is it a race to teach our children? That's a whole other post!** It's neat to see my baby master the alphabet, except she has this desire to get it right. Actually, she must get each letter written perfectly. If it isn't perfect, she pulls out an eraser and feverishly gets rid of the work she has done, and tries it again. Of course she doesn't see that her erasing makes a big mess on the counter and all over the floor.
Last night as I watched her erasing the hearts and letters that she drew, I realized something about the perfectionism inside of me. First, I don't think there's such a thing as perfect. My perfect may look completely different than another person's perfect - so how can PERFECT exist if there's such a varying ideal? Second, striving for and expecting perfection removes the learning process. I don't want to make mistakes, yet it is through making mistakes that I learn. I recently began working at a nation-wide craft store. Their training has been pretty slack and more along the lines of, "Here's a register - figure it out!" In that environment you cannot help but make a TON of mistakes and learn not to do it again. I am learning this kind of mindset takes a lot of courage. Having a willingness to fail in front of people is not easy or one I tend to welcome. Third, trying to attain perfection is exhausting and frustrating. It requires so much energy that I'm tired and miserable, and in turn I'm making the people around me miserable.
As I look back on my life I realize I haven't always been this way. There really was a time when I would show up late for work, or totally disregard my responsibilities, or not care at all about my education. When did this all change in me? After I married a man who liked the house in pristine order? After realizing my carelessness in school twenty years ago could hold me back from finishing my degree as an adult? Or after having children and understanding the magnitude of responsibility that comes with raising human beings? Maybe.
So here are the areas in my life that I go nuts trying to attain perfection:
My children and the way I parent, the decorating of my home, my work as a student, how I drive, spend our money, cook meals, entertain guests, how I speak, how I write, dress, how I exercise, maintain my weight, having that ridiculously early quiet time with God, my prayers, and even my relationship with Him.
I am exhausted just typing that list. It also puts into perspective that most of my desires for perfection are rooted in approval from people. My need for perfection in parenting isn't that I'm looking for a compliment, it's the dreaded judgement of my parenting that I fear by the people around me. I have been that mom in Walmart with a screaming, tantruming child. Particularly the one at the register after not agreeing to buy a piece of candy or pack of gum. In those kinds of moments, many thoughts kick in for me. It's typically a back and forth between how I should handle my child and what the people around me are thinking. One thought typically feeds into my response and then another thought will shoot into my head - and so the cycle goes.
That is not where my heart and mind should be. Not too long ago, I was talking to a good friend whom I highly respect as a woman, wife, and mother. I asked her how she has raised three really wonderful boys. Her response will probably stay with me forever. She said something like, "If we try SO hard to be perfect parents, how then will our children see their need for the Lord?" This kind of thinking does not eliminate our striving to be the parents God desires us to be. It doesn't give me permission to be a lousy parent and leave it up to God to fix it. What it does do is allow the Lord to work in their lives, recognizes free will that we all have, and that God's power is greater than my own flesh and influence in the lives of my children. What He offers is much better and it is mine and my husband's job to bring our children right to the Author of it all.
Perfection only resides in the Lord. Period. I can spin my wheels and exhaust myself looking for the approval of the people around me - or I can walk in who God made me to be, listen to His voice and respond to it. This lesson is a constant in my life. A learning that I need to be reminded of over and over again. Hopefully one day the pressure for perfection will cease and I can use that energy for something MUCH more productive!
My youngest daughter just started kindergarten. She's been writing letters for a while now but kindergarten nowadays is a bit hard core. Apparently she will be reading and writing by the end of this year. **Where has kindergarten gone and why is it a race to teach our children? That's a whole other post!** It's neat to see my baby master the alphabet, except she has this desire to get it right. Actually, she must get each letter written perfectly. If it isn't perfect, she pulls out an eraser and feverishly gets rid of the work she has done, and tries it again. Of course she doesn't see that her erasing makes a big mess on the counter and all over the floor.
Last night as I watched her erasing the hearts and letters that she drew, I realized something about the perfectionism inside of me. First, I don't think there's such a thing as perfect. My perfect may look completely different than another person's perfect - so how can PERFECT exist if there's such a varying ideal? Second, striving for and expecting perfection removes the learning process. I don't want to make mistakes, yet it is through making mistakes that I learn. I recently began working at a nation-wide craft store. Their training has been pretty slack and more along the lines of, "Here's a register - figure it out!" In that environment you cannot help but make a TON of mistakes and learn not to do it again. I am learning this kind of mindset takes a lot of courage. Having a willingness to fail in front of people is not easy or one I tend to welcome. Third, trying to attain perfection is exhausting and frustrating. It requires so much energy that I'm tired and miserable, and in turn I'm making the people around me miserable.
As I look back on my life I realize I haven't always been this way. There really was a time when I would show up late for work, or totally disregard my responsibilities, or not care at all about my education. When did this all change in me? After I married a man who liked the house in pristine order? After realizing my carelessness in school twenty years ago could hold me back from finishing my degree as an adult? Or after having children and understanding the magnitude of responsibility that comes with raising human beings? Maybe.
So here are the areas in my life that I go nuts trying to attain perfection:
My children and the way I parent, the decorating of my home, my work as a student, how I drive, spend our money, cook meals, entertain guests, how I speak, how I write, dress, how I exercise, maintain my weight, having that ridiculously early quiet time with God, my prayers, and even my relationship with Him.
I am exhausted just typing that list. It also puts into perspective that most of my desires for perfection are rooted in approval from people. My need for perfection in parenting isn't that I'm looking for a compliment, it's the dreaded judgement of my parenting that I fear by the people around me. I have been that mom in Walmart with a screaming, tantruming child. Particularly the one at the register after not agreeing to buy a piece of candy or pack of gum. In those kinds of moments, many thoughts kick in for me. It's typically a back and forth between how I should handle my child and what the people around me are thinking. One thought typically feeds into my response and then another thought will shoot into my head - and so the cycle goes.
That is not where my heart and mind should be. Not too long ago, I was talking to a good friend whom I highly respect as a woman, wife, and mother. I asked her how she has raised three really wonderful boys. Her response will probably stay with me forever. She said something like, "If we try SO hard to be perfect parents, how then will our children see their need for the Lord?" This kind of thinking does not eliminate our striving to be the parents God desires us to be. It doesn't give me permission to be a lousy parent and leave it up to God to fix it. What it does do is allow the Lord to work in their lives, recognizes free will that we all have, and that God's power is greater than my own flesh and influence in the lives of my children. What He offers is much better and it is mine and my husband's job to bring our children right to the Author of it all.
Perfection only resides in the Lord. Period. I can spin my wheels and exhaust myself looking for the approval of the people around me - or I can walk in who God made me to be, listen to His voice and respond to it. This lesson is a constant in my life. A learning that I need to be reminded of over and over again. Hopefully one day the pressure for perfection will cease and I can use that energy for something MUCH more productive!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Writer's Block...WHY?!!
Writing is a struggle for me these days. Actually, it has been for the past few months. I could blame it on a LOT of different things and in reality, they probably have combined and created a perfect storm of confusion in my head. But I feel the need to sort through each of them and get to the root of what makes me do what I do - good and bad.
We began our summer with a trip back to Maine - our first since moving to the south. I drove with the three kids. Me. Just me. Making that drive without another adult was haunting me for months before the bags were packed and the minivan rolled out of the driveway. Long distance driving is just not my thing. Highways are not my friend. Some people love it and I am not one of them. After about the fifth hour I realized it's not just the highways that I take issue with - it's the other cars on the road. The kids and I ended up sharing some fun memories. With each state we entered, my oldest child would take out his book on the states and read when it was founded, the state bird, flower, etc. By the time we finished the first leg of the trip and nearly twelve hours of travel, we were all giving each other high fives. It truly was an accomplishment for us.
Our three and a half weeks away from the south was pretty incredible. There were sweet moments of reconnecting with dear friends and many fun times created while being able to love our family. There were also moments of feeling like we were getting blindsided with, well...let's just say not so wonderful happenings. Life as we have known it for the past year followed us to the lovely north east. Thankfully, we had some amazing family and friendships walking alongside us. We definitely needed them at that point more than ever.
One of the things I aim to accomplish in this season of my life is to find my voice. In fact, that is a key part of my blogging. And yet here I am, struggling to find words to express exactly what is going on inside of me. For many years, whenever I have felt overwhelmed with life, the words just stop. I'm challenged to find any way to describe or express how I feel. When I had a miscarriage before my first child was born - I struggled to put words to how I was feeling. Instead of speaking, I internalized. It was easier to avoid facing the challenge that comes with digging deep and persevering until the words came. Many times, I borrowed other people's feelings. They expressed their emotions and feelings and since I connected with them, I used them as my own.
It seems as though nowadays EVERYONE has an opinion about practically EVERYTHING, from how we speak all the way to how many children we should conceive. Each day we are hit with suggestion and opinion through the various forms of media; television, social media, radio - it's hard to escape. All of it is noise to me and it can be deafening. I just don't want to be another voice and add to the chaos. Not only that but I feel pressure to go along with the opinions and suggestions in order to please others and fit in.
Maybe finding my voice will be a slow process. Maybe the way of gaining it will be to keep trying to use what I do have and stay focused on being who I am meant to be and not who others assume I am. It may be a quiet voice that I possess, and it may come out a little shaky, but it's a voice nonetheless. My hope is that one day it will grow in confidence and strength.
We began our summer with a trip back to Maine - our first since moving to the south. I drove with the three kids. Me. Just me. Making that drive without another adult was haunting me for months before the bags were packed and the minivan rolled out of the driveway. Long distance driving is just not my thing. Highways are not my friend. Some people love it and I am not one of them. After about the fifth hour I realized it's not just the highways that I take issue with - it's the other cars on the road. The kids and I ended up sharing some fun memories. With each state we entered, my oldest child would take out his book on the states and read when it was founded, the state bird, flower, etc. By the time we finished the first leg of the trip and nearly twelve hours of travel, we were all giving each other high fives. It truly was an accomplishment for us.
Our three and a half weeks away from the south was pretty incredible. There were sweet moments of reconnecting with dear friends and many fun times created while being able to love our family. There were also moments of feeling like we were getting blindsided with, well...let's just say not so wonderful happenings. Life as we have known it for the past year followed us to the lovely north east. Thankfully, we had some amazing family and friendships walking alongside us. We definitely needed them at that point more than ever.
One of the things I aim to accomplish in this season of my life is to find my voice. In fact, that is a key part of my blogging. And yet here I am, struggling to find words to express exactly what is going on inside of me. For many years, whenever I have felt overwhelmed with life, the words just stop. I'm challenged to find any way to describe or express how I feel. When I had a miscarriage before my first child was born - I struggled to put words to how I was feeling. Instead of speaking, I internalized. It was easier to avoid facing the challenge that comes with digging deep and persevering until the words came. Many times, I borrowed other people's feelings. They expressed their emotions and feelings and since I connected with them, I used them as my own.
It seems as though nowadays EVERYONE has an opinion about practically EVERYTHING, from how we speak all the way to how many children we should conceive. Each day we are hit with suggestion and opinion through the various forms of media; television, social media, radio - it's hard to escape. All of it is noise to me and it can be deafening. I just don't want to be another voice and add to the chaos. Not only that but I feel pressure to go along with the opinions and suggestions in order to please others and fit in.
Maybe finding my voice will be a slow process. Maybe the way of gaining it will be to keep trying to use what I do have and stay focused on being who I am meant to be and not who others assume I am. It may be a quiet voice that I possess, and it may come out a little shaky, but it's a voice nonetheless. My hope is that one day it will grow in confidence and strength.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sometimes
Throughout my life, I have had various days where there are no words to describe my emotions, concerns, or the pain that I am feeling. It is during those times when music becomes my refuge. I let certain songs speak for me. Over the past few months, I have listened to one particular album over and over and over again. The Passion 2011 CD has gotten many plays on my iPod. This week, David Crowder's song, "Sometimes" has been my voice. Below are the words and I will let this be my post:
Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Til were rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Sometimes
Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Til were rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
(3x)
Its Your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
Sometimes every one of us fears
Like we’ll never be healed
Sometimes
Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we’ll never be saved
Sometimes
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Til were rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Sometimes
Sometimes it’s like we never loved home
For all the love we know
Sometimes like in a smile of a song
When you feel it come
Then that feelings gone
It flies
When we’ve given up
Let Your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let Your healing come
Til were rising up
Let Your healing come
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
(3x)
Its Your love we adore
Its like a sea without a shore
Don’t be afraid, Don’t be afraid
Just set your sail and risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Let’s risk the ocean
Show me grace
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
It’s Your love that we adore
It’s like a sea without a shore
We’re lost in You, Were lost in You
Where You go we will follow
Where You go we will follow
I’m on my knees
Where You go we will follow
Oh God send me
Saturday, July 9, 2011
It's My Race to Win
Part of relocating included trying to find a church in which we would belong. We didn't want to go through this process as Lone Rangers - we needed friendships and accountability. By the end of our fourth month of searching, we stumbled upon a church called Truth North in Garner. Each teaching series has put it's finger on an area that needed our attention. Our plans versus God's plans, finances, intimacy as a couple, and now a challenge - to read the New Testament in a month. During this challenge, I've frequently read about running the race, endurance, progress, pressing on toward the goal, and victory. Our lives are, in essence, a marathon. It isn't a short course, but a long distance one.
Shortly after we moved, both my husband and I started running. My reason was to get into better physical shape as I had put everyone and everything else ahead of my fitness. And if I'm honest, I allowed laziness to rule in my life. Little did I know, my time walking and running through our subdivision would be sweet time where the Lord would talk to me. It is often during my walk/runs when He reveals insight to me. Most of the time it's an inward revelation, sometimes I see what's going on with my loved ones, and at times I get clarity on things that are going on in the culture around me. Regardless of what it is, or who it is about, I gain wisdom that I didn't have before.
A few months ago, I had a dream that I jumped into a half-marathon that my husband was set to run in. There was no real start to the race, I just started running. I kept thinking, "Why am I doing this? I'm not a runner. I didn't train for this and I can't finish it!" Once I got into the race, it wasn't a traditional race. It was through the woods - all terrain-like. As I kept running I realized it wasn't so bad. I could TOTALLY do it and do it well! But it was a dream.
One of my sweetest friends here loves to run. She took it up during a difficult time in her life and has enjoyed running 5k's and half marathons ever since. It became a passion for her and an outlet. Two weeks ago she invited me along to run in a 5k with her. I was a bit unsure of running in an organized race - with people - and being timed - and on turf I've never seen before. But because I'm in boot camp and because I love my friend, I accepted her invitation. This race would be a challenge for me physically as I have found my running pace for slight distance running (3 miles) only a week ago. Before that, running and walking intervals was all I could do.
My nerves were on edge this week just thinking about this race. Here I am preparing for our first trip back to Maine as a family - which has brought out logistical and emotional fears and I was about to push my body to a place it's never been.
We got to the race location and I saw a lot of people looking like they've done this a million times, or at least I assumed they had. It felt awkward and I just wanted the race to start so I wouldn't feel the torture of anticipation. At the starting line, my friend and I decided we would run together. I was glad - I had no idea what I was doing. Fish out of water is an understatement. Organizers of the event started the race over loudspeaker and I was off. My music was on and I began to get a better picture of what the next 3.2 miles would be like. When I agreed to run in this 5k, I had no idea what the terrain would be and as I ran, I realized this looked similar to what I saw in my dream. I was running on a path through the woods. It was awesome.
The last part of the race brought the mental and physical challenge. It seemed like it would never end and I had nothing left in me. I realized the finish line was coming up and based on conversations I've had with people who have run races, I expected to feel an overwhelming burst of energy. Nope. Nothing. I had not an ounce to give. I wanted to stop. I nearly gave myself permission to walk the rest of the way. Then I started praying. I asked the Lord for His energy. I desperately wanted to finish what I started. That's when I cranked my music as loud as I could stand it. A worship song played singing something about running to the Lord. Perfect. That's when I heard, "This represents what you typically do in your life - you get to the end of something and quit. You stop short of accomplishment." That gave me the energy to keep going.
With about a tenth of a mile left, my friend looked over at me and she mouthed something about going hard the rest of the way. I knew I needed to go for it so I took off and pushed my body through the finish line. I couldn't believe I had finished. I felt like I had broken through mental and physical barriers that have been around me my entire life. Barriers that I chose to put there. These blockades served to keep me from venturing out too far - and fail at something. God has given me a race to run. It may look completely different from anyone else's race. But it's my race and I am going to be held accountable to that race and how I choose to run it. Will I play it safe or will I go for it and risk failure?
Shortly after we moved, both my husband and I started running. My reason was to get into better physical shape as I had put everyone and everything else ahead of my fitness. And if I'm honest, I allowed laziness to rule in my life. Little did I know, my time walking and running through our subdivision would be sweet time where the Lord would talk to me. It is often during my walk/runs when He reveals insight to me. Most of the time it's an inward revelation, sometimes I see what's going on with my loved ones, and at times I get clarity on things that are going on in the culture around me. Regardless of what it is, or who it is about, I gain wisdom that I didn't have before.
A few months ago, I had a dream that I jumped into a half-marathon that my husband was set to run in. There was no real start to the race, I just started running. I kept thinking, "Why am I doing this? I'm not a runner. I didn't train for this and I can't finish it!" Once I got into the race, it wasn't a traditional race. It was through the woods - all terrain-like. As I kept running I realized it wasn't so bad. I could TOTALLY do it and do it well! But it was a dream.
One of my sweetest friends here loves to run. She took it up during a difficult time in her life and has enjoyed running 5k's and half marathons ever since. It became a passion for her and an outlet. Two weeks ago she invited me along to run in a 5k with her. I was a bit unsure of running in an organized race - with people - and being timed - and on turf I've never seen before. But because I'm in boot camp and because I love my friend, I accepted her invitation. This race would be a challenge for me physically as I have found my running pace for slight distance running (3 miles) only a week ago. Before that, running and walking intervals was all I could do.
My nerves were on edge this week just thinking about this race. Here I am preparing for our first trip back to Maine as a family - which has brought out logistical and emotional fears and I was about to push my body to a place it's never been.
We got to the race location and I saw a lot of people looking like they've done this a million times, or at least I assumed they had. It felt awkward and I just wanted the race to start so I wouldn't feel the torture of anticipation. At the starting line, my friend and I decided we would run together. I was glad - I had no idea what I was doing. Fish out of water is an understatement. Organizers of the event started the race over loudspeaker and I was off. My music was on and I began to get a better picture of what the next 3.2 miles would be like. When I agreed to run in this 5k, I had no idea what the terrain would be and as I ran, I realized this looked similar to what I saw in my dream. I was running on a path through the woods. It was awesome.
The last part of the race brought the mental and physical challenge. It seemed like it would never end and I had nothing left in me. I realized the finish line was coming up and based on conversations I've had with people who have run races, I expected to feel an overwhelming burst of energy. Nope. Nothing. I had not an ounce to give. I wanted to stop. I nearly gave myself permission to walk the rest of the way. Then I started praying. I asked the Lord for His energy. I desperately wanted to finish what I started. That's when I cranked my music as loud as I could stand it. A worship song played singing something about running to the Lord. Perfect. That's when I heard, "This represents what you typically do in your life - you get to the end of something and quit. You stop short of accomplishment." That gave me the energy to keep going.
With about a tenth of a mile left, my friend looked over at me and she mouthed something about going hard the rest of the way. I knew I needed to go for it so I took off and pushed my body through the finish line. I couldn't believe I had finished. I felt like I had broken through mental and physical barriers that have been around me my entire life. Barriers that I chose to put there. These blockades served to keep me from venturing out too far - and fail at something. God has given me a race to run. It may look completely different from anyone else's race. But it's my race and I am going to be held accountable to that race and how I choose to run it. Will I play it safe or will I go for it and risk failure?
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Milestones
One thing that I have found challenging and refreshing at the same time has been celebrating holidays and milestones here in NC away from family and friends. This week, we hit two pretty big ones - we celebrated our one year anniversary of living in the south AND I turned 40 today.
We had a wonderful day with friends on a trip to the NC Museum of Art and a spontaneous visit to a cupcake bakery. It was PERFECT! We started our visit to the museum looking at one of the art world's most well-known piece..."The Thinker." It's a ginormous statue and it's placed outside of the building near the entrance. I stood there looking at it with my children and new friends and realized that this art portrays the current season of our lives, with more thinking, praying, listening, and pondering than I have done in my entire life.
I'm so excited and hopeful for what is to come. I just know the fruit will be glorious!
We had a wonderful day with friends on a trip to the NC Museum of Art and a spontaneous visit to a cupcake bakery. It was PERFECT! We started our visit to the museum looking at one of the art world's most well-known piece..."The Thinker." It's a ginormous statue and it's placed outside of the building near the entrance. I stood there looking at it with my children and new friends and realized that this art portrays the current season of our lives, with more thinking, praying, listening, and pondering than I have done in my entire life.
I'm so excited and hopeful for what is to come. I just know the fruit will be glorious!
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| The Thinker at NC Museum of Art |
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Destination: Boot camp
In five days, we will celebrate our one year anniversary of moving to our little spot of the world in North Carolina. Prior to moving, my proclamation to the Lord was, "Here am I, send me!" I had plans and I believed those plans were stepping stones that would allow me to fulfill what God placed me on this earth to do. Shortly after arriving in NC, I realized that this adventure would be the start of boot camp. This training would tap into all areas of my life - the physical, mental, and spiritual.
Not only am I on this new and unplanned route, but my husband has also been called to the same life filled with change. This is one of those areas you could look at and see the positive and negative. At least we have had each other as we are stripped down from every angle, yet there seems to be even THAT much more pain in this process because as a married couple we take on each others burdens. Sometimes it feels like the agony never ends.
I never understood the decision to enter the military. I could never get past the thought of having to go to boot camp and willingly place myself into an environment where I would be pushed to my mental and physical limits. I guess I viewed myself as too weak to survive something like that. As a teenager and young adult, I watched a few acquaintances go off to Parris Island for several weeks and upon their return, they were always thinner than when they left. None of them ever talked about the process they endured but I sensed they had developed a deeper commitment to the military and to their country.
Our plans and what we thought we would get out of taking this ginormous risk to move were fairly straight-forward. I would go back to school to finish my undergrad degree for social work. Our three children would be safely part of an excellent school system (on paper it looks great), and my husband would reenter Corporate America for a short period of time so that we could shore up financially. At the end of about five years, we would be ready to launch in whatever direction God wanted us in.
Instead of our plans unfolding, they have unraveled. We realized the school system ran on legalism - devouring children's tender hearts, my application to the university I felt I had carefully chosen was rejected, and my husband's job has been filled with constant obstacles. Saying that many tears have been shed is putting it mildly. We are grieving. We are asking God for wisdom. And we are hopeful. We continue to remember how He sold our house in Maine in only a few days amidst a horrid real estate market. We see His hand here moving in ways relationally that we had not expected. He is lovingly correcting us. He is opening our eyes and hearts to things that were not on our radar. We are in boot camp. Unforeseen, unintentional, and sometimes undesirable boot camp.
This story does not have an ending - it is still in process. Right now, I am living one chapter of my story. I trust that whatever He has for the remainder of it, He will be right there while it unfolds. In my prayers, I cry out for Him not to drop me. It is also my hope for the end of boot camp that I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit and that I come out with a deeper commitment than ever before.
Not only am I on this new and unplanned route, but my husband has also been called to the same life filled with change. This is one of those areas you could look at and see the positive and negative. At least we have had each other as we are stripped down from every angle, yet there seems to be even THAT much more pain in this process because as a married couple we take on each others burdens. Sometimes it feels like the agony never ends.
I never understood the decision to enter the military. I could never get past the thought of having to go to boot camp and willingly place myself into an environment where I would be pushed to my mental and physical limits. I guess I viewed myself as too weak to survive something like that. As a teenager and young adult, I watched a few acquaintances go off to Parris Island for several weeks and upon their return, they were always thinner than when they left. None of them ever talked about the process they endured but I sensed they had developed a deeper commitment to the military and to their country.
Our plans and what we thought we would get out of taking this ginormous risk to move were fairly straight-forward. I would go back to school to finish my undergrad degree for social work. Our three children would be safely part of an excellent school system (on paper it looks great), and my husband would reenter Corporate America for a short period of time so that we could shore up financially. At the end of about five years, we would be ready to launch in whatever direction God wanted us in.
Instead of our plans unfolding, they have unraveled. We realized the school system ran on legalism - devouring children's tender hearts, my application to the university I felt I had carefully chosen was rejected, and my husband's job has been filled with constant obstacles. Saying that many tears have been shed is putting it mildly. We are grieving. We are asking God for wisdom. And we are hopeful. We continue to remember how He sold our house in Maine in only a few days amidst a horrid real estate market. We see His hand here moving in ways relationally that we had not expected. He is lovingly correcting us. He is opening our eyes and hearts to things that were not on our radar. We are in boot camp. Unforeseen, unintentional, and sometimes undesirable boot camp.
This story does not have an ending - it is still in process. Right now, I am living one chapter of my story. I trust that whatever He has for the remainder of it, He will be right there while it unfolds. In my prayers, I cry out for Him not to drop me. It is also my hope for the end of boot camp that I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit and that I come out with a deeper commitment than ever before.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Homesickness
It comes in waves for me. When we originally moved here, I found myself crying nearly everyday. I would quietly leave the room if it hit with my kids nearby. The last thing I wanted was for them to see my constant homesickness and have that generate an insecurity in them that this new home would not be a happy place for us. I particularly remember walking through the local Walmart during those initial weeks. The kids were with me as I navigated this store with a whole different layout than the one I shopped at in Maine. The tears came quickly and there was no place to retreat so I pretended to be back in my home town shopping at that familiar store. It brought a total fictitious comfort that I needed to make it back to my new neighborhood. I longed to see someone I knew while I went to the grocery store. I desperately wanted to see familiar streets and stores, and go where things seemed much more natural.
Over the summer of 2010, our family ventured out, met some new and amazing people, and began to feel as though this area was home for us. My homesickness waned as I made friends and I began to navigate within my new community. A small level of comfort formed inside of me and I started to get a sense of belonging.
For the first time I have realized that homesickness is not a one-shot deal. This illness is more like a disease that goes into remission and returns when least expected. I've begun to notice a pattern of when it is likely to make an appearance. Typically, it hits when life doesn't go according to my plan and my response to this curve ball is fear. I want to run...FAST back to New England. I try to convince myself that things were better there. They were easier. They were SAFER. Reality is - none of that is true. New England, for me, provided a false sense of security. It has been through our move that I've removed the harness and felt that free fall.
It is during these times of turmoil and uncertainty that I know God wants me to rely on Him. When I want to run, when I want to escape, when I want to go back to what feels comfortable, I'm denying God the access to comfort me perfectly. I'm saying, "I got this, God, cause quite frankly, I don't trust You."
I am not sure there is a cure for homesickness. I know that I will continue to yearn for the days when my family members and dear friends are close and I can hug them with all I have. Until then, I will continue walking through this sometimes scary, exciting, joyful, and amazing journey that God has me on and believe it will be totally worth it in the end.
Over the summer of 2010, our family ventured out, met some new and amazing people, and began to feel as though this area was home for us. My homesickness waned as I made friends and I began to navigate within my new community. A small level of comfort formed inside of me and I started to get a sense of belonging.
For the first time I have realized that homesickness is not a one-shot deal. This illness is more like a disease that goes into remission and returns when least expected. I've begun to notice a pattern of when it is likely to make an appearance. Typically, it hits when life doesn't go according to my plan and my response to this curve ball is fear. I want to run...FAST back to New England. I try to convince myself that things were better there. They were easier. They were SAFER. Reality is - none of that is true. New England, for me, provided a false sense of security. It has been through our move that I've removed the harness and felt that free fall.
It is during these times of turmoil and uncertainty that I know God wants me to rely on Him. When I want to run, when I want to escape, when I want to go back to what feels comfortable, I'm denying God the access to comfort me perfectly. I'm saying, "I got this, God, cause quite frankly, I don't trust You."
I am not sure there is a cure for homesickness. I know that I will continue to yearn for the days when my family members and dear friends are close and I can hug them with all I have. Until then, I will continue walking through this sometimes scary, exciting, joyful, and amazing journey that God has me on and believe it will be totally worth it in the end.
Friday, June 10, 2011
What's In a Name?
My daughter informed us recently during a dinner conversation that she will be changing her name as soon as she legally can. Apparently, Brooke is a much better name, or so she thinks. It's amazing how much time and effort Kevin and I spent to name our children. This energy is clearly lost on her.
I have wanted to blog for many years now. I actually started a blog several years ago, gave it an awful name and never used it. Before I decided to give blogging another try, it was important to me to figure out what its purpose would be, if I had anything of value to add to what everyone else was blogging about, and to come up with a relevant name.
I'm currently wearing several hats (some fit well, others need stretching to get on this head of mine). Mother of three elementary-aged children, wife of thirteen-plus years, student - finally getting my undergrad after walking away in my late teens from utter frustration, a new resident of the NC area after living the majority of my life in New England, and of course a daughter, sister, and friend.
Our story about the move is an amazing one where God met us, held out His hand, and paved the way for us to explore new and remarkable things. It has not been easy. When I describe it as "paved" I do not mean without flaws. There have been many challenges - but the Lord has used those challenges to show us something. Maybe it is something internal, or possibly something He wants to highlight within our community. Nevertheless, He is opening my eyes beyond what I have experienced in my years on this earth.
But as I am on this adventure, there are times when I feel as though I'm at the peak of one of those crazy theme park rides. I can see how high I am. I can see the danger in what I'm doing, and desperately want to get off, and yet I don't at the same time. I want to move closer to the Lord who made me and rely on His perfect and loving hand even more. The hand that will love me no matter what happens around me.
I have to say, I am not a fan of rap music. Never really have been, actually. Recently I was listening to a new album that featured a rap artist, Lecrae. I'm hearing his rap, understanding every third or forth word, when at the end he says, "Don't drop me!" Instantly, I gasped. I knew exactly what Lecrae was talking about. I was brought back to childhood when my dad would pick me up during a time of play. I would yell out to my dad, "Don't drop me!" It screams of the trust I had placed in him. I was high in the air in a place I would normally not be in, fearful of what could happen, and I'm begging my father not to forget my vulnerability. That is the same with our relationship to our Heavenly Father. If we let Him, He holds us in new places, scary places and we are secure in His arms. He won't drop us.
Those three words perfectly describe where I am at in life. In fact, I'm realizing that I should remain in this place forever. If I'm not risking, then how much am I trusting in Him who leads me to new places? If I work hard to take care of my own needs, why do I need God?
So...this is my journey to trust the Lord in all that I do. I want to chronicle my adventures so that I can look back and see how far I have come. At the same time, why not share this insight along the way with others? My hope is that it will bring comfort to those who read.
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